Today I want to quit. Period.

(ana)
Today sucked.  My spirit is broken, I feel like a big fat failure, and I really don't want to be doing this anymore.  This is the toughest process I have ever gone through, mentally.  Every avenue I take to try and get things moving the way they need to, ends up at a bunch of nothing.  I move a tiny bit, then stay put for another long and painful period of nothing happening. 

The fact that I have lots of muscle, am strong as an ox, work my ass off at the gym, means nothing if I can't shed the weight.  Maybe short Portuguese girls weren't meant to do fitness shows.  Maybe.  I swear that I'm trusting the process, I really am.  I listen intently to Trainer Jamie and do as I am told. I don't even do cheat days really.  I don't waver, I don't cheat, and I stick to the plan.

I guess I just really suck at this.

Today I was also a shitty team player.  I wasn't there for my girls and wasn't there to congratulate them on their victories.  Not cool on my part at all.  I spent an incredible amount of energy today during our workout holding the tears back.  Bailey and Jen are doing amazing things with their program and are an inspiration to me every day.  So, good job girls and I'm sorry for being such a pussy today.  I really did suck today on so many levels.

I want to quit. period. Go back to eating what I want when I want and stop weighing myself every week.  Not sure my soul can take it much longer.

Will I quit?  Anyone who knows me, knows I'm as stubborn as they come.  I am not going to let this beat me.  Yes, I'm in the middle of a huge pity party as I write this, but perhaps this will help me through it.  I can't wallow in this much longer as I have 2 kids coming home from school in an hour who look up to me in many ways.  Need to put on my "it's been a tough day, but I'm good" face.  Sometimes that's the toughest part of all.

Apparently, stress is an issue that may be keeping the fat on.  I know this and feel it, but how to fix that is another question. I can't just up and leave my life to rid myself of the stress.  So the next step in this shit show is to figure out how to un-stress my life.  Breathe, Ana, breathe.